It's kind of weird when strict monotheists, who are ordered from on high hate polytheists, and those exact same hated polytheists wind up working against the same thing, especially for similar reasons. What single issue - other than sex in movies - could be so contentious as to bring hardline Hindus in India, and hardline Muslims in Saudi Arabia, flat out against it?

Valentine's Day, believe it or not.

Saudi Arabia's Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice banned the sale of red flowers up to February 14th. The religious police are out in force in the Kingdom, marching past flower shops every twenty minutes or so to ensure that the ban remains in place. Crafty salesmen keep the offending flowers around the corner, somewhere, to sell for double the normal price when the Committee's "volunteers" aren't looking.

Meanwhile, over in India, traditional opposition to the day has erupted once again. The authorities in the largest state have prohibited children from celebrating the day in school, and other groups of Hindus have vowed to break up Valentines Day celebrations whenever they can find them.

"Our teams will visit all hotels and restaurants and stop Valentine's Day celebrations," said one fellow I don't care to name, who I can just imagine frothing at the mouth in anticipation of well-undeserved power: "The teams will also visit parks frequented by boys and girls."

I can just see poor Rajiv and Beena, sitting side by side in a park in Madhya Pradesh and slipping cutesy valentines to one another, only to be jumped on by the V-D Brigade, cleverly hidden behind the trees...

The similarity makes sense when you consider the cultures involved. Much like the Kingdom, where contact between the sexes is strictly prohibited (unless you're family, or married, or both), the folks in India were taking this opportunity to warn kids about "negative feelings" caused by close contact between boys and girls.

But there's yet another reason, as expressed by the Indian fellow I quoted earlier but didn't care to name: "We will oppose (Valentine's Day) tooth and nail because the concept of Valentine's Day celebrations has come from the West and through it an attempt is being made to spoil Indian culture."

Likewise, in the Kingdom, there is the sense that celebrating a Western, "Christian" holiday should be avoided by Muslims. Meanwhile, satellite TV brings them evidence that at least some people, in other places, are using the occasion for fun and romantic purposes that are far removed from its "Christian" origins. And while these concepts are all but unthinkable to the hardline dictates the Kingdom's citizens are expected to obey, they are hard to censor into oblivion thanks to the cultural and technological encroachment of the "immoral," outside world.

Now, I can't fully blame hardline Hindus and Muslims for feeling marginalized within their own culture. No one likes having someone else come along and tell them to do weird and silly things that don't make sense, or offend their cultural and religious sensibilities. How would most American women react if someone tried to sell them a burkha?

But the fact that Valentines Day has gotten into the Kingdom at all is yet another sign of what some have come to call Monoculture - something that sounds like mononucleosis, and is just as catching. It's a cultural state whereby everyone wears, sees, reads, buys - and ultimately thinks - the exact same thing.

The fact that you can find the same "Western" products all over the world, no matter where you are, is a sign of encroaching monoculture: Pepsi in South Korea, Fosters in Dubai, Guess Jeans in Tanzania and McDonalds... well, everywhere. A recent trip to Thailand on my part revealed that, much like in the UAE, the Michelin Man can be seen there, too, Seig Heiling his millions of followers.

Now, in order to have a true monoculture, "non-western" countries would have to reciprocate in equal measure. So it's ironic that, at the same time that the Western Valentine's Day is being inflicted on India, Indian "Bollywood" movies are being inflicted on the West. (Which is more "harmful" is debatable.)

However, at this stage of things the only thing that's really gone around the world in near-equal measure are food products: sushi, curry and Chinese food being the big contenders for an "exotic" meal. And even then, there's a heavy bias towards the "West," and not many barriers being broken down: no Wendy's all-beef hamburgers on sale in New Delhi, and no African-style grilled okapi in L.A. And when's the last time you saw Star of India being advertised with the same worldwide ferocity as Coca-Cola?

See, that's the trouble, here: a lot of people around the world look at the "Western" billboards, television ads and movies that come in and see a cultural mindset that doesn't match their own values and realities. If it was just them making the decision to vote with their native currency, it would be okay.

But their trend-setters and children - eternally bored with what they already have - lap up these new ideas like a dog trapped in the pet food store. And after they've seen Paris, you can't keep them down on the farm; They don't want to hear about their own deal, anymore, because it's boring. They want everything they've been promised in movies, even if it's just a temporary fix to alleviate the drudge.

And before you know it, your kids don't look like your kids, anymore: they look like they came from L A, bling-bling, thong and all.

What can be done to stop monoculture? At this point, that's the wrong question: the "global market" jinn is out of the bottle, through the woods and sitting at Heathrow, reading Vanity Fair, while awaiting his flight to Bora Bora. Short of a war or pandemic shutting down all trade between nations and continents, there's no cure for thought dilution, cultural interplay and the eternal quest for new customers. And as long as kids get bored, the amazement of the new will overcome the certainty of the old every time.

The real question is "what can be done to promote indigenous culture in the face of it?" The obvious answer, according to a lot of people, is to try and criminalize alien ideas, or put up heavy social pressure against them. Having the religious police, or gangs of stern-faced thugs, patrol the streets of Saudi Arabia and India in search of people having a good time is in keeping with this instinct.

Of course, this is the Tipper Gore marketing strategy: the Warning Sticker is the sign of quality, rebellion and originality, making sure that kids everywhere will get their hands on it. The fact that women in the Kingdom are some of the most enthusiastic participants in the illicit Valentines Day trade is as sure a sign that this tactic doesn't work as the prevalence of Gangsta Rap in the states (and tomorrow the world!)

One better idea is coming from India, where Hindu students want to celebrate an Indian Spring festival - normally on the 13th of February - a day later. That would give students a chance to buy gifts and flowers for the festival, instead of Valentine's Day.

But then, we are faced with the irony of moving some holidays around to mask others. Valentine's Day, itself, is suspected to have been invented in order to replace a pagan love festival, much as Christmas - or the date of Christ's birth, at any rate - was moved to December 25th to overshadow the Winter Solstice... otherwise known as Yule.

Maybe the best solution is to play fair. Maybe if India would deal with Valentine's Day, Hallmark - and the fireworks industry - could push Diwali on American audiences? Everyone loves an explosive party, and we could all come just a little closer in the afterglow.

Of course, that's the idea of Valentine's Day, anyway...